To no one's surprise, these computers haven't been able to report any semblance of even a close approximation of grade. It has been this way from as long as I've had a 540 or 840 and I've seen it on three different devices.
The last few updates and betas have been some of the worst.
So, in the interest of alleviating my frustration, I came up with the only solution that will work reliably:
I've deleted the grade field from all of my activity profiles. It is garbage data and I'm done trying to provide feedback. If I wasn't so heavily invested in Garmin sensors and computers across all of my bikes, I'd consider exploring other computer options, but I'm stuck and deleting the field is the cheapest alternative.